Faith of Gods
Their eyes are on her lips.Their eyes are on her lips and they aren’t looking away. She’s pretty sure they hadn’t meant to look there, they hadn’t meant to linger, not in the midst of the discussion about why they can’t and how they don’t want to do this — but it’s happened anyway. Their own lips part, an inhale like they’re about to say something, but nothing comes out, and their jaw snaps shut again.Their eyes are still on her lips.“Sol…?”There’s a blush blooming on their ears as they watch her mouth move, watch her throat move as she swallows against the sudden dryness of her tongue. She wants to ask them what they’re doing, why they won’t look at her eyes, but another, much louder part of her just wants to see what happens next. It makes her quiet, calm, and she remembers the time she and Sol had been out by the lake and a group of deer had come out of the woods. They’d sat together watching them slowly get closer, eased by their quiet, by their stillness, until a fawn had been curiously sniffing at her hair, and they’d both been giggling. It’s the same quiet now, the urge not to startle, the fear that one wrong move will send them running away, forever just out of her reach.She’s afraid to break them, to break what they have — but she can’t help the part of her that wants to all the same.That familiar, pained pinch is back between their brows, but their eyes don’t move as they let out a shaky sigh. Their hands settle on her knees — bracing themselves or to keep her still, she’s not sure — and they squeeze gently as they mumble a word. Just one word.“Phae…”Her hands settle over theirs on her legs, and they take in another shuddering, halting breath. There’s something unfamiliar swimming in their dark eyes, a desire, a wanting, that she doesn’t know what to do with. She can see the gears turning in their mind, the warring within themself. One part of them obviously wants to stop this, to pull away and put that careful wall between them back where it always is — but another part is desperate to give in. To cross that line that they’ve both been so careful not to cross.She can see it there, even as they press their forehead against hers and squeeze their eyes shut. They don’t want her to stop — not completely. A part of them wants to keep going, to take that last step, that last leap of faith, to ruin their friendship, crush it, shatter it, burn it, until all that’s left is ash and dust to be scattered in the breeze.Hesitantly, Phaedra lets herself lean in just a little, tilting her head until their noses brush against each other, Sol’s breath hot as it washes over her mouth. Their fingers are almost clawing at her thighs now, and she runs her thumbs across the back of them soothingly, running over the little jagged scars that crisscross what would be — should be — soft skin. Their breath hitches in their throat, coming a little faster now.“Don’t,” they whisper. Their voice is pained and soft, and even as they mumble this into her lips like a prayer, they do nothing to stop her, to pull away.In fact, their hands slide upwards on her legs, forehead pressing harder to hers as they lean against her. The first delicate brush of her lips against theirs has both of them trembling, and it’s not like this is the first for either of them but she thinks it might as well be, the way her whole body feels like it’s about to start shaking like a leaf. She tilts her head, lips parting, trying to find just the right angle so that their lips can fit together like matching puzzle pieces. Her lower lip catches on theirs briefly, and their lips fall parted as hers drags theirs downward.And then she kisses them, closing that last tiny gap, slotting their lower lip between hers as she does.And they kiss her back.Both of them take a breath in through their noses as their lips press together, something intimate about the shared breath between them. The kiss breaks a moment later, but neither of them pull away, and — like they always do, because they are Sol and Phae, and they are never long without the other — they come back together again, this kiss a little more solid, a little more sure.A rhythm starts without either of them really meaning to, she thinks. It’s as natural as breathing, to tilt her head, adjust the angle, switch to kissing their top lip instead, because it deserves her kisses just as much as their lower one. It’s easy, and simple, and soft, until it isn’t. Until the heat in her cheeks is spurring her in closer, and she shifts, not pulling away, and Sol moves with her, moves closer, tilting their head as they bring their mouth back to hers, a little harder this time. Their kisses grow in intensity like a pot left to boil — a slow simmer that builds and builds and builds until there is nowhere left to go but up and over.There’s something in the way they press back against her that has her mind reeling — an unspoken emotion finally coming to light in a way that she’s not sure they’ll ever be able to tell her out loud. There’s a brief moment of hesitation when they pause, both of their mouths open and brushing each others, and she can feel the apprehension, the nervousness, in Sol’s frame before they seem to make up their mind about something and close the gap again.They make a soft, almost pained noise when she guesses at what they were thinking and her tongue meets theirs halfway.The next opening of their mouth against hers is wider this time, both of them tilting their heads, curious tongues slipping against each other, and it sends a hot shock of pleasure down her spine, turns into a shiver and a quiet whimper. The thought of being here like this — of doing this — with Sol is enough to have her melting against them, skin flushed, heart pounding a quick, fluttering rhythm in her chest.Unbidden, memories of nights alone in her room come to mind, cautious fingers beneath the covers, hand over her mouth to stifle any noise. She’d never meant to think about Sol those nights, but somehow it always came back to them — long, graceful fingers and their smile and…Sol’s teeth sink into her lower lip, and this time she does make a noise against their mouth — one that has them grinning against her, though she can feel them trying to stifle it, smugness too hard for them to fight back for just the briefest second.She presses closer, desperation in every inch of her, hands sliding up their arms and settling on their chest, fingers curling into their shirt as she presses herself against them, pulls them in deeper. Sol’s hands on her legs slide upward as well, one settling on her hip, the other sliding up her back until it slips into the long dark curls at the back of her head. They press gently there, urging her to kiss them deeper.“Phae, I…” they start, a mumble into her mouth in between kisses. She almost stops, wanting to hear what they have to say, because she loves listening to their voice more than she thinks they know, but rather than try to continue talking when she pauses, they only hesitate for a moment before they curse under their breath, a barely there groan, and bring their mouth back to hers.It seems that, now that the floodgates have been opened, there’s not much either of them can do to hold back any longer.Her arms slide up around their shoulders almost of their own accord, one hand tangling in their silvery hair and the other clutching at their shirt, pressing as close as she can — not close enough, never close enough — until she can almost feel their heart beating against her chest. Their arms tighten around her as well, kissing her harder, and one thought takes over her mind, loud and undeniable.She loves them.Oh, she loves them, and she always has, and she can barely breathe with the intensity of it as it rises up in her ribcage, threatening to shatter them from the inside out. She loves them more than she’s ever loved anything, would do anything just to see them laugh, to see them happy, even if just for a moment. Would do anything to keep them safe. To make them feel loved — because they are loved. They are so loved, and she only hopes that someday they will be able to guess at just how much.Sol laughs into her mouth, a startled, breathless sound, and they say their first full sentence in a while, though it’s mumbled between kisses.“Phae, you’re killin’ me here,” they laugh, still kissing her, arms squeezing around her midsection. “You’re thinkin’ so loud I don’t think I would even need you to have that token still on you. But — gods, Phae —”The last words are a groan, a plea, a prayer — a whimper. They groan against her lips as they kiss her again, hard and reverent, like they’re trying to press their own feelings into her skin in the same way she must be sending shockwaves of emotions washing over theirs.And she can’t help herself — not really — when she breaks away for just the briefest moment, watching Sol’s eyes open to look up at her blearily, confusion clear on their face. She doesn’t give them a chance to ask the question burning in their eyes, though, as she climbs into their lap, knees on the mattress on either side of their hips. Their eyes widen just a little, breath hitching in their throat as she settles into their lap, watching their face for even the slightest sign of discomfort.But there is nothing.There’s apprehension, something that looks a lot like guilt, but the second she’s actually settled, all they do is swallow thickly, arms sliding around her waist, eyes settling on her mouth. Her arms are twine around their shoulders, one hand playing with their hair soothingly. Their eyes watch the movement of her lips as she says, ever so softly, “If you want me to stop, I will.”They’re shaking their head before she’s even finished talking.“It’s…” they start, and then shake their head. “‘M selfish, Phae. Selfish ‘n rude ‘n… I—don’t want you to stop. Ever.” They’re shaking their head even more as they tilt their chin until their lips are brushing hers again, voice barely a whisper. “Never ever.”They kiss her again, sighing in what feels like relief, the way their shoulders relax, every ounce of tension in their body melting as they pull her close. She sighs with them, because they are always a mirror of each other, breathing in with them once more.“Me too,” she breathes, tilting her head the other way to kiss them again. “Want you all to myself. My Sol.”
